Monday, March 23, 2009

Soul Busted

So, last Sunday I got to run Soul Buster II with Team Rogue. And I'm using "run" here in a very vague sense of the word. Bascially, it is a 12-mile warm up, 8-miles of hills, 2 miles at MGP, 2 miles at HMGP and then 2 miles at 10k pace.

Yes..those aren't typos.

And no, I didn't quite make it on pace at the end. :(

I stayed at a nice, easy long run pace for the first 20-miles, stayed on top of my nutriton and everything, but when it came time to drop the hammer....I just had no go juice.

Last miles went like this:

mile 20: 8:33/M (hitting B race pace goal, but not A goal here)
21: 8:43/M (dammit...I'm tired as all hell)
22: 8:29/M (tried to pull it together....should've been at HMGP here..not even close....Sisson could see I was struggling tells me to just get to MGP)
23: 8:45/M (dejected....Sisson yelling "I didn't say FALL off the cliff!")
24: 9:02/M ( I got nothing left...I will finish...but it won't be pretty and it won't be on pace..but I will finish)
25: 9:04/M
26: 9:05/M

Sisson immediately came over, threw an arm around my shoulder and got to work on my psyche as we walked around the track. He definitely earned his money that day, talking me back from the ledge of dejection, discussing all the load the ironman training is adding on top of what he is asking for, listing out possible priorities and outcomes, schedule over the next few weeks, all the while keeping me moving as I fought back the tears.......almost crying..at a workout...good grief....most certainly NOT ironman material at that moment.

And then I was trying to figure out what bummed me out the most...not hitting my paces? I didn't want to hear excuses like "you just rode 60 miles the other day" or "yes, they hit their paces, but they aren't biking and swimming all week either" (no, just throwing down 100-miles of running each week...how is that not just as hard?)

Truth is, what was really bumming me out was I felt like I let my coaches down...not just Sisson but Mo too. I know they both think I'm crazy for wanting to do Boston and CdA...not just do them, but do them well..at least for me. And yet they both agreed to help me reach my goal, working with me to merge the two training schedules (and the rest of my life) they best they can while not sacrificing the integrity of the plans themselves.

I feel like if I don't do well at one or (god forbid) EITHER, they and I will hear a lot of "I told you so...it shouldn't be done..it can't be....you can't have two masters..." blah, blah, blah.

Sure I know that I would probably perform better at either Boston OR CdA if I was just focusing on one thing. But I'm a generalist, a multi-tasker.... I would rather do a lot of things fairly well than just one thing superbly. But can I do this? These two? So close to each other?

I think I can or surely they wouldn't have agreed to such nonsense, right? They must've seen something in me, in my eyes or heard in my voice that made them think that maybe, just maybe she can pull it off. Right?

And so I must conclude that at this point in the training, I am reaching a mental hurdle. That Sunday on the track was a mental collapse, not a physical one, right? So until Sisson or Mo sits me down, looks me square in the eyes and says, "Dionn...it is physically impossible for you to meet your current goals for Boston and CdA", I'm going to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on the horse...er..the track...or the bike..or in the water....

And even if either one of them did sit me down and tell me that.... I might just tell them to go to hell and try it anyway.

5 comments:

MikeW said...

Sounds like there's plenty of fight left in ya!
See you at 5:25!

erin said...

You pick yourself up like no one else can. Thanks for always being there to inspire, D. You are amazing - regardless of what pace you achieve at some sport. The fact that you take things on with such vigor is amazing.

If you were talking to me, you'd tell me to stop being so hard on myself. Practice what you preach, sister!

Priscilla said...

Way to get back on the horse :) You inspire me to become a better athlete. You make things seem possible for myself. (If D can do this, I can for sure do ONE!)

Shorey said...

That's definitely the D I know! I'm glad to know that even superhero-types have mental collapses on occasion!

kirsten said...

Neither CdA or Boston can be determined by one lousy soul buster. It's the sum of all the parts. I blew up bad on the North group SB 2 and somehow pulled myself out of the abyss and carry on! Keep up the awesome work.